I’ve been watching as people get annoyed with others. I stop to listen to the language. I also realize that often there is a good nugget behind the annoyance.
Here’s a specific example:
You are doing an activity. (Say it’s the laundry). Someone else walks up and says, “Why don’t you do it [this other way]?” .
The offer could be to show a new way of sorting clothes, a better way to add detergent, or a fabulous method for non-wrinkled drying. In any event, someone (you) is being told to change by someone else.
The question “Why don’t you do it [this other way]?” is not actually ‘a question’. It’s a statement: “I think you are doing this activity poorly, so let me suggest a new way”.
There are two people here, with two different heads. One, the suggester, thinks he’s being helpful. The other person (you) is on the receiving end.
The receiving end, you, could have many thoughts in response to the suggestion:
- Thought A: “This person doesn’t respect that I have thought out my activity. I feel disrespected that he thinks I cannot do my own activity”.
- Thought B: “I wonder if I can try this new idea”.
- Thought C: “I’m going to ignore everything that is not my own idea”.
Skip to the other brain in this scenario. Remember, it’s a small activity. This person wants to make a change in the first person’s actions. There may be many possible reasons that the person made the suggestion:
- Possible reason A: “I think this other person is an idiot with that activity. I’m going to tell him/her what to do, but phrase it as a question, ‘Why don’t you do it this other way?’”
- Possible reason B: “I feel affection for this person. I don’t want him or her to suffer by unnecessary actions. I want to be helpful and caring.”
- Possible reason C: “This person is my colleague, and I want our workplace to be successful. I will make a suggestion that benefits our organization.”
This question, “Why don’t you do X?” is common in our culture. We have usually have one of two responses when we hear that question:
- it’s a helpful suggestion to save us grief, time, or unnecessary complication.
- it’s an insulting suggestion that implies our incompetence in that activity.
Most people don’t want someone else’s opinions thrust upon them without asking. While many people don’t mind helpful suggestions, it is more common for the in-need person to ask. Being thrust with new ideas can feel insulting or demeaning. Anyone who feels insulted or demeaned may refuse the suggestion, and may possibly respond back with anger words. As a coach, I personally understand that some people need to make improvements on their own time (and mind), not under demeaned coercion.
On the flip side, there are also many helpful people in the world. They care about others’ success. They want to ensure especially that loved ones or colleagues succeed.
Since it’s hard to determine anyone’s original intent, may I suggest a new method of communication?
Ask.
That’s right, ask the question, state your offer. Don’t be part of any complicated scenario where anyone wonders your intent. Banish the phrase “Why don’t you…?” from your lexicon. For the most part, it is actually not a real question. There is a passive-aggressive quality to the question: passively ‘asking a question’ but aggressive forcing your opinions upon someone who never asked for the opinion. So since it is not a real question, it is best to follow a true, honest-hearted suggestion method… that is, if you want to create peace with your family members and colleagues.
Here’s the laundry scenario again, phrased in a new way:
The true helpful suggestion:
You, doing laundry. The other person walks up and says,
“I see you are doing laundry. Are you interested in a new tip? I have this fabulous new method of X. It makes incredible Y results”.
You can now choose to respond,
- “Wow, great tip! I’ll try it. Thanks”…
or …
- “I love my old method and it works for me, Thanks for the idea, but I’m interested in my own method”.
RESULT:
You have no two thoughts in your head about what the other person indended. You don’t have to feel disrespected in doing your own method, and you also can have a choice whether to try the method or not.
The other person is still free to make the suggestion, but the new question format is respectful while still being helpful.
FINAL RESULT:
What could have been an argument between two people about ‘you always tell me what to do’, now has the same ‘suggestion’ quality, transformed for both peoples’ calm.
